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Top ten ways to lose against sports!

Finally! Here's help for sports bettors with a real desire to go broke!


Are you feeling guilty about taking the sportsbook's money? Are you uncomfortable carrying all that easily-gotten disposable cash? Are you tired of not having to borrow gas money from friends and family? Is being financially secure just too complicated to deal with?...Here's help.

Listed below are the top ten pre-tested, guaranteed, sure-fire ways to break that nasty winning streak. Simply follow one or more of these ten guidelines and everyone will be feeling sorry for you in no time at all. You'll not only be getting all that 'tsk-tsk' sympathy you've been missing, you'll also have that special feeling of cleanliness pouring over you like hot syrup.

You know that 'clean' feeling we're talking about; - it's the one that comes only from going broke. It's a special feeling reserved for those sports bettors with a psychological need to lose. Psychologists will tell you it's no coincidence that losers say such things as, "I'm cleaned out," or "They wiped me out" or "I took a bath."

No, these ten ways aren't the only good ways to lose. There are plenty of others. But if you stick with only these ten, you're not likely to need a longer list.

1. Always bet more than you can afford to lose. This might be the best way of all to get rid of unwanted assets. Gamble with the rent money, or with the alimony payment, or the grocery money, or the car payment. Risking more than you can afford to lose, you figure to have that solvency monkey off your back in no time. It's hard to keep winning when all you can think about is whether or not you'll have a roof over your head next week. (This is NOT a strategy you'll want to tell your wife about.)

2. Keep changing the sizes of your bets. Regard the size of your next bet as a pry bar, either to get even after a losing streak or to 'push' a winning streak. Changing the size of your bets constitutes using a progressive betting system - whether or not such changes in your bet size have been carefully pre-planned - and progressive betting systems are wonderfully effective at unloading unwanted cash. Consider doubling up after a losing day in order to get even, or why not double up after a winning day to 'push' a winning streak? NOTE: According to expert researcher Dr. Nigel E. Turner, Ph.D., Scientist, Center for Addiction and Mental Health ( ), incremental betting is one of the telltale signs of someone with a gambling problem.

3. Always bet according to your hunches. Betting according to your gut feelings is a real nifty short-cut to Tap City. If you feel like you're 'due' a winning day, increase the size of your bets. Or if you get a hunch that a particular team is ready to get hot, load up on them and don't let anyone talk you out of it. After all, you remember that time you had a hunch and it came true, don't you?

4. Lay lots of futures bets and bet big on parlay cards. Anybody will win now and then if they bet propositions with reasonable vigorish. Those sissy bets don't have nearly enough odds against you. If you're trying to get rid of cash, always take the bets with big payoffs. Hey, - the Cleveland Browns figure to be 500-to-1 to win this year's Super Bowl. Why not take a flyer, lay a dime and make a quick half-million? And how about those big payoff bets on parlay cards? You can spare a hundred bucks on a 15-teamer, can't you?

5. Whenever you gamble, be tired, drink up, and flirt like crazy. Breaking this rule could be one of the reasons you've been winning in the first place. How can you expect to lose if you're alert and paying attention? Always stay up too late, drink plenty of booze, and try to get a date with the cocktail waitress or ticket writer; - that's just good common sense.

6. Pay for advice from touts who claim to win at least 70% of their picks against pointspreads. In Las Vegas, you could win a $200,000 house and 100's of thousands of dollars in cash if you can pick 70% winners straight up...That's without having to deal at all with pointspreads. How can it be that the names of 900 number gurus never come up in these contests? Could it be that they can't really pick 70% winners, even straight up? Could it be that they're lying about their ability to pick winners against pointspreads? Nawwww...They promised, didn't they? Go ahead and trust them. In fact, call several of these guys' 900 numbers every week. That way, you'll get a consensus of their "expert" opinions.

7. Never read books or articles by experts, never do research. Studying what experts have to say is strictly for pussies. Always try new systems and ideas while you're playing with real money. Never practice or double-check a system at home beforehand, and never read anything by acknowledged experts. Hey, you were born The World's Greatest Sports Bettor just like you were born The World's Greatest Lover, - right? You don't need advice from anybody; it's a macho thing.

8. Always impress people with the size of your bets. Members of the opposite sex are really attracted to people who lose vast amounts of money. Big losers look very sexy...And don't forget, the more you lose, the more comps you're likely to get from the sportbook manager. It's important to impress the sportbook manager with big losses. It's a great way to get a free buffet.

9. Consider winning or losing as a direct test of your self worth. Remember, only a wimp quits gambling during a losing streak. Real men and women keep betting until they either win big or go broke. You don't want to be a wimp, do you? Keep betting. Get mad if you have to.

10. Be superstitious. If superstition doesn't cure your solvency problem, your luckiness may be tougher to overcome than I thought. If you win by betting on the team with the best horoscope, or on the quarterback with the best bio-rhythms, or because a coach's name has six letters in it and 6 is your lucky number, or because you're wearing your lucky bolo tie - or whatever - your solvency problem might be extra tough. You might be forced to use more than one of these ten guidelines at once.

...But that's no problem. We all know lots of guys who use more than one of these ten guidelines at once. If you've been using one or more of them for any length of time, and you're still winning, you might have to give up and try to live with it. You might have to resign yourself to being the luckiest sonuvabitch on the planet.

- J. R. Miller

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